英検1級道場－2016-3英作文の採点で疑問が残ります
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1/21（日）に実施された2017-3英検1級1次試験で出された英作文を書いてくれたのです
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元受講生作品
Should Japan rethink its relationship with the United State?
A growing concern among Japanese people nowadays is whether or not Japan should rethink its relationship with the United State.
I disagree. Japan should keep the current relationship with the United States.
I ‘d like to explain this cause with three reasons.
・「考え直すべきかどうかという議論が高まっている」 という書き方になっています。それに対してI disagreeで答えているのですが、これでは、賛成なのか反対なのか今一つよくわからないというのが正直な意見です。
「考え直すべきだという意見が高まっている」 という書き方であれば、I disagree は、考え直すべきではないと言っているのだとすぐにわかります
枕詞としてwhether or not を使うからこの曖昧さが生じたのだと思います。作文は、誰が読んでも誤解のないように、ずばっと書くべきです
First of all, in terms of national security, under the umbrella of American nuclear powers, Japan has protected itself from the threat of foreign countries.
As long as, Japan won’t have nuclear weapons, Japan should keep on going under the current security law with United States.
As long as, Japan won’t have nuclear weapons, となっているために、, Japan won’t have nuclear weapons,が挿入句の様に見えます。そう読むと後が続かず、意味不明の文章になります
主語と述語の関係を明確にしましょう
In light of educational field, English education in Japan has been put more emphasis on than before because of the globalization.
For example, English speaking ability will be assessed in every university’s entrance examination in Japan from 2020.
The trend of studying in America for young generation in Japan must continue.
「English education in Japan has been put more emphasis on than before because of the globalization」 ←言いたいことはわかるのですが、文法的に無理があるので、主語を取り換え、書き換える必要があります
Finally, in the economic field, both for Japan and America, Asian market’s value occupies much on both countries’ GDP.
For instance, thanks to the economic development of South-East Asian countries, those are becoming good economic partners both for Japan and America.
Japan and America should hand in hand with each other as now in the economic relationship.
「the economic development of South-East Asian countries, those are becoming good economic partners both for Japan and America.
Japan and America should hand in hand with each other as now in the economic relationship.」
ここも、文法的に無理があるので、原文をそこねない形で書き換える必要があります
In conclusion, from the viewpoint of national security, English education and the economic benefits for both countries are three reasons why I disagree that Japan should rethink its relationship with the United State.
Japan should continue keeping its current relationship with the United State. (240 words)
from the viewpoint of national security, English education and the economic benefits for both countries are three reasons why ←from the viewpoint of---で始まるのに、---are three reasons why ---と言うのは無理があるので見直しが必要と考えます
原文を損ねない範囲で、必要最小限修正した文案です
核保有の箇所は、原文作者の意図からずれている可能性はありますが、こちらのほうがわかりやすいと思います
Should Japan Rethink Its Relationship with the United States?
A growing concern among Japanese people nowadays is whether or not Japan should rethink its relationship with the United States.
I,, however, strongly believe that Japan should keep the current relationship with the United States.
I would like to explain this cause with three reasons.
First of all, in terms of national security, under the umbrella of America nuclear powers, Japan has protected itself from the threat of foreign countries.
As long as the treaty remains unbreached, Japan will be protected under the current security law with the United States.
In light of educational field, more emphasis has been placed on English education in Japan than before, because of globalization.
For example, English speaking ability will be assessed in every university’s entrance examination in Japan, starting 2020.
The upward trend of Japan’s younger generation studying in America must continue.
Finally, in the economic field, both for Japan and America, the Asian stock market’s value occupies much of both countries’ GDP.
For instance, thanks to the economic development of the South-East Asian countries, they are becoming good economic partners for both Japan and America.
Japan and America should work closely together for the benefit of both countries' economic development.
In conclusion, from the viewpoint of national security, English education, and the economic benefits for both countries, I disagree that Japan should rethink its relationship with the United State.
Japan should continue keeping its current relationship with the United States.
