英検1級道場-受講者から提出があった英作文をネイティブにチェックしてもらいました

山中昇

山中昇

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受講者から提出があった英作文をネイティブにチェックしてもらいました
上が受講者、下が、ネイティブが修正したものです
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Agree or disagree; sports are essential to the healthy development of children.

I agree that sports are essential to the healthy development of children.
I adamantly agree that sports are essential to the healthy development of children.

Let me explain the reasons following three points in this essay.
The following three points will further explain my reasons for this standpoint.

First, playing sports will help children’s academic achievement.
First, playing sports can enhance children’s academic achievement.

For example, doing physical activities will stimulate some parts of children’s brain, including the ability to think logically and to make decision quickly.
For example, doing physical activities can stimulate their brain, enhancing their ability to think logically and to make decisions more quickly.

Moreover, playing sports will improve their concentration level.
Moreover, playing sports can also improve children’s concentration level.

These abilities will contribute to academic development.
Improvements in these areas would likely contribute to academic development.

Second, when children work together toward their goal on doing sports, they will realize the importance of teamwork. Thus, they will build up cooperation and develop a caring partnership on the team.
Second, when children work together toward their goal during sports, they are more likely to learn the importance of teamwork; thus, increasing cooperation and developing a caring attitude toward their peers on the team.

Moreover, because there are many support stuff in their team, they will learn how to be humble and grateful.
Furthermore, because there are many support disciplines in teamwork, children will learn humility and appreciation toward each other.

Although those people don’t play together in the game, their management support will be indispensable.
Even though they might not necessarily partake in the same sports activities, management support will certainly be indispensable.

These acquired abilities are important for working as a member of society.
These acquired abilities are also important for working as a member of society.

Lastly, through sports, children will be expected to maintain discipline.
Lastly, through sports, children will be expected to maintain discipline.

They will learn many rules that they have to follow in a team. Also they must observe the rules of the game.
They will learn many rules that they must observe and adhere to during a game.

Moreover, by following those rules, they will cultivate self-control and a spirit of fair play.
By following those rules, they will learn to cultivate self-control and a spirit of fair play.

These experiences will need to develop a good friendship.
These experiences are also needed to develop and maintain good friendship, and therefore will be beneficial to them during their upbringing.

For these reasons, there are many advantages to play sports.
For these reasons and more, I believe that children’s participation in sports activities is essential for a healthy upbringing.

Children can enjoy playing sports as well as they can learn many things.
Children will not only have fun enjoying sports, but simultaneously, they will be learning many other beneficial skills that will aid in their overall development.

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